he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
