OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
