it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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