wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
