It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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