Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
