what day is it and did you see me today?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
