every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Someone came in the potted fern
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
