Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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