I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Is Oprah even human
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
