I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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