I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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