Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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