I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
