the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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