I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
