Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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