The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
