Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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