It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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