I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
