well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
