You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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