tell your sister to shave her snatch
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
