I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
