I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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