Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
