Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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