He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
But break dance skills will only take you so far
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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