when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
All the doctor said was why
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
