i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
