I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
