i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
