Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
