i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
