god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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