last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
