but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
