Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Operation Purity has been aborted
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
