Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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