I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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