i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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