i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
