Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Im part way to drunk.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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