the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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