I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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