The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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