My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
