In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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