He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize