omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
