My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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