Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
