awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
