I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
