The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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