I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
